Why you don't need to make your kids happy

Why Chasing Happiness Isn’t the Goal

In today’s culture, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that life’s ultimate goal is happiness, but chasing happiness can lead to more anxiety, frustration, and disappointment. Psychological research has found that constantly aiming for happiness can lead to increased levels of anxiety and stress.

This happens because kids may feel like something is wrong with them if they aren’t happy all the time. The Bible doesn’t promise constant happiness. Instead, it teaches that life will have struggles and challenges: "In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33).

Our kids need to know that it’s okay not to feel happy all the time – that experiencing sadness, anger, or fear is part of the human experience and part of God's plan for growth and refinement. As Christian parents, it’s important to teach our kids that their worth is not based on their feelings or circumstances but on their identity as children of God.

Living by Values, Not Emotions

Instead of focusing on making your children happy, it’s more helpful to teach them how to live by values—and from a Christian perspective, that means aligning with biblical values.

The Bible gives us a clear direction on how to live a meaningful life. Galatians 5:22-23 highlights the fruit of the Spirit, which includes the values of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These are the values we should encourage our children to cultivate.

When kids understand that their actions can reflect Christ’s love and grace, they’ll find purpose and meaning, even in hard times. Living by these values doesn’t guarantee happiness in every moment, but it leads to deeper fulfilment and a sense of peace that surpasses circumstances.

By teaching children to focus on biblical values, we shift their mindset from seeking immediate gratification to pursuing what matters most—God’s will and purpose for their lives. This also helps them develop a stable foundation that will guide them through life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Emotional Agility and Trusting God

The psychological concept of emotional agility – the ability to navigate life’s emotional highs and lows – fits perfectly with biblical teachings. Avoiding negative emotions isn’t helpful – it just makes things worse in the long run.

Instead of avoiding difficult emotions, we can teach our children that it’s okay to experience sadness, frustration, or disappointment, and furthermore that they can trust God through those moments.

The Bible is full of examples of people who faced difficult emotions and brought them before God. David, the Psalmist, was often anxious, scared, or depressed, but he always turned to God, expressing his feelings openly while holding onto his trust in the Lord.

In Psalm 34:17, we are reminded: "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles." Encouraging our children to bring their emotions to God helps them develop emotional strength and trust that he is with them, even in tough times.

Building Resilience Through Faith and Values

A more useful goal than chasing happiness is to help our children build resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from challenges, and it’s a key part of the Christian walk. James 1:2-4 encourages believers to embrace trials, saying, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."

As parents, we can teach our children that difficulties aren’t something to avoid, but something to learn from. Building resilience means helping them understand that God uses all things—good and bad—for their growth (Romans 8:28).

Resilient children are more likely to remain steadfast in their faith during hard times because they’ve learned to trust God’s plan, even when they don’t feel happy.

Practical Tips for Parents

If you want to help your kids build resilience and live according to biblical values, here are a few things you can do:

1. Discuss Biblical Values: Help your child identify values rooted in scripture, like kindness, patience, and faithfulness, and talk about how they can live these out in daily life.
2. Acknowledge Emotions and Turn to God: Let your kids know it’s okay to feel a range of emotions. Encourage them to bring their struggles and joys to God in prayer, knowing he hears them.
3. Model Faith-Based Resilience: Show your children how you trust God through difficult situations. Talk about how your faith shapes your decisions and actions, especially when life gets hard.
4. Focus on Effort, Not Just Outcomes: Celebrate when your kids live according to their values, regardless of whether the result is immediate happiness. This reinforces the importance of faith and perseverance.
5. Encourage Gratitude and Trust: Teach your kids to focus on what they’re grateful for and to trust that God has a plan, even when they’re feeling down or facing challenges.

Ms Rebecca McIntosh

School Psychologist